It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
