Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
