So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
