I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
