Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
