I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
