So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
