I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Semen is not good for contacts.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
