I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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