He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
