i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
