I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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