Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
