I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
