His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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