so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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