We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
