Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I'm both gender and math confused
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
