You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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