My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
