im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
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