I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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