So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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