It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
