My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
A+ Viking dick
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
