I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
