he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
