all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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