I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
