Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
