someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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