Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
