I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
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