If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
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