Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
