ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
