Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
