I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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