I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
