he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
