Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
