Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
