Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
