It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
