can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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