I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
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