My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
