I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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