Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
