Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
