I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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