My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
