Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
